Here's her raw copy:
I looked out the airplane window. Everything was so much different from my home country, England. For some type of reason it reminded me of England. My mother sat reading a fashion magazine, but suddenly she turned to stare at me.
“Yes?” I asked trying to avoid any problem.
“I was just looking to see my beautiful daughter. New York is the perfect place for you.”
I, AnnaSophia am a fashion writer. I am only seventeen years old and I will be attending Lake High in New York City. I will have a job along with my mother and an apartment with her as well. For I am a model in training I will work on all my dreams in the U.S. of A.
"This is New York? I thought it would be like in-"
A big statue had took my breath away. It was green, very. Tall, a big lady with a type of lamp. It was in fact the Statue of Liberty.
"I think I already became an American." I told my mother. She laughed as if it were a joke, but it was a serious thing to me.
"Hurry on Anna! We need to go check into our house. Did you forget?"
To be continued...
First off, if you're British, you're going to call an "airplane" an "aeroplane". It's just the way British English differentiates from American English.
Secondly, "for some type of reason" is redundant. Use less words. -.-
Thirdly, and last of my criticism for now--as I am lazy--is that your character is very quickly portraying all the classic traits of a Mary -Sue. In order to avoid this, take this litmus test and correct your character accordingly.
Sincerely,
Arianna
I took the test and got 19 without even finishing it. I started thinking about Claire, but now that I think about it, I can take a few points off. I tend to use epical/crazy names a lot *coughcoughOCEANAcoughcough*, but I used a 'bland' name. I didn't go through the whole thing, as it was so long, but I didn't see anything about being mentally insane or seeing ghosts. There was a box or two on 'a past with angst', but I was looking for more of a 'haunting past that damages her psychologically, although the secrets have only begun to unfold.'...Or something like that. XD
ReplyDeleteSometimes it depends on the setting in which the character's story takes place. I never felt as though Claire was a Mary-Sue in the six chapters I read, and I have a substantially large Mary-Sure sensor. You're probably safe. ;)
DeleteOkay, just retook the test. Eight points... XD 0-10 is Anti-Sue, the lowest rating. Yesssss!!!!!!!!!
DeleteThat's great! I think the highest score I ever got when I took the test was a 15...
DeleteTrust me, I have written some pretty bad Sues in my past. I really don't want to think about it. *puts on the Cone of Shame*
Me, too. Sorta. That was back when I wrote funny. So it may have not been the character. Yeah, I can't really check off many of those boxes for them, it's just that my story sounded so stiff. I wrote awkward dorky stuff like, "Elizabeth and Karen laughed, then began walking to the fride." See how awkward I wrote that. It's like the guy that stalks you after school every day asking you to dance at the prom. XD 'I know you have a restraining order, but can we...maybe..sorta...from opposite sides of the room...' XD
DeleteNow I could write something like: "Elizabeth and Karen laughed at Isabella's excitement, then switched their attention to the fridge, stepping behind Ruthie as she rummaged through for the marshamallows." That may have been a tad too long, but SOMETHING along those lines. Seriously, my dialogue was even stiff.
"Hey, can I borrow your cheese shredder?
"Sure!"
I can't get it to sound as bad as it was, but that's a good thing, right? XD