Deep Space JEOPARDY! -a parody by Danielle R.

RANDOM ANNOUNCER FROM NOWHERE—ALSO KNOWN AS RALPH: Today is JEOPARDY! We have three contestants! Weyoun, representing the Dominion (audience boos), Damar with a bottle of kanar representing Cardassia (crickets), and Molly O’Brien representing the Federation (audience “aw”s)! And now your host; Quark, representing Brunt!

QUARK: What?! You said I was representing Ferenginar!

PRODUCER: He lied! Now get on with the show!

QUARK: (Mumbling) I hate that stupid liquidator. (Normal voice) Now, we have three categories upon the board. (Random audience dude “I thought there were suppose to be six!” Klingon impales him with a bat’leth.) And those categories are… “Diplomacy with a Capital ‘D’”, “Dora the Explorer” (Weyoun covers ears in horror), and “You are What You Eat”. Weyoun, you pick the first question. (Quark rolls eyes, knowing this is gonna be stupid)

WEYOUN: I pick “You are What You Eat” for 100 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

QUARK: (Mumbling [again]) I should be playing this stupid game. (Normal voice) For 100 bars, this is the question, “Damar rhymes with—“

DAMAR: (Buzzes in) Where’s my kanar?

QUARK: That’s not the—

RALPH: He stated it in the form of a question! That means he gets it!

QUARK: (Mumbling) I could tell this was going to be stupid. (Normal) Damar, you pick.

DAMAR: Uhm… Dora for 100 bars.

QUARK: For 100 bars, this is the question, “Finish the following line; if there’s a place you gotta go, I’m the one you need to know, I’m the ‘blank’.”

DAMAR: (Buzzes in) Where’s my kanar?

QUARK: You idiot! Kanar is not the answer to every single question!

WEYOUN: (Buzzes in) What is the Founder?

QUARK: No. (Starts to get frustrated)

MOLLY: What is the map?

QUARK: (Fake enthusiasm) Yes! Pick the next question.

MOLLY: “You are What You Eat” for 200 bars.

QUARK: “If you are Edward the vampire, you’re probably this.”

DAMAR: (Buzzes in) Wh-

QUARK: If you’re about to say kanar again, it’s not the answer.

DAMAR: (Pulls hand away from the buzzer and is silent)

WEYOUN: (Buzzes in) What is sunshine?

MOLLY: (Sings softly to herself) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy-

QUARK: I need someone to make me happy right now!

MOLLY: (Buzzes in) What about a radish?

QUARK: (Completely confused) What does a hew-mon radish have to do with anything? The answer is, “What is a vampire”!

EVERYONE—EVEN RALPH: Oh…

MOLLY: Wait… if the cat-gory is “You are What You Eat”, does that mean that Edward eats vampires?

QUARK: Well, when you put it that way…

RANDOM AUDIENCE DUDE REINCARNATED: He’s a cannibal! (Gets carried away by Sloan, the Section 31 operative)

QUARK: (Bugged eyes) Right… (Gulps) the things the Federation does these days. Since we had that little skirmish, why don’t we do “Diplomacy with a Capital ‘D’” for 100 bars? The question is, “If someone spells your name wrong, what are you supposed to do?”

DAMAR: (Buzzes in) Steal all their kanar!

QUARK: No…

WEYOUN: Send a fleet of Jem’Hadar ships after them. (Innocent yet creepy smile)

QUARK: First off, you didn’t buzz in. Second, that is the wrong answer. All answers must be in the form of a question, or Ralph gets to keep the latinum.

RALPH: Yay!!

QUARK: (Rolls eyes)

MOLLY: (Buzzes in) Tell everyone that my daddy can’t beat the Alamo!

(Crickets, crickets, crickets)

QUARK: Wrong. The answer is “Forgive them”. “Diplomacy with a Capital ‘D’” for 200 bars, “If you are called a name, you should…”

MOLLY: (Buzzes in) Hire Garak as an assassin and have him decapitate the person who called you meanie-rude-poopy pants?

QUARK: (Shocked) What does your father talk to you about? However, that is the wrong answer.

WEYOUN: (Buzzes in) Have the Jem’Hadar attack them?

QUARK: No. Why are all your answers so violent?

RANDOM AUDIENCE DUDE REINCARNATED YET AGAIN: Has anyone noticed that Damar is missing?! (Gets beamed to the Alamo)

(Suspenseful music goes “dun dun dun”)

QUARK: Well, then we’ll just have to have a Cardassian take his and his kanar’s place. Who volunteers?

(Gul Dukat walks right up to the stand/podium thing)

DUKAT: I will be taking that imbecile’s place.

QUARK: Okay… do you have an answer for the question?

DUKAT: Of course I do. (Buzzes in) What is forgiving them?

QUARK: (Surprised) That’s right!

DUKAT: (Looks smug) “Dora the Explorer” for 200.

QUARK: “Who is the most intelligent girl in the entire universe that goes on adventures with her monkey?”

MOLLY: (Buzzes in) Me! At least, my daddy says I am the most smartiest girl ever!

QUARK: Erm… as I said before, what does your father teach you? Anyone else?

DUKAT: (Buzzes in) Who is Major Kira?

QUARK: (Looks disturbed) Listen, I know you’re sort of obsessed with the Major, but who’s the monkey?

DUKAT: That stupid Bajoran Shaakar.

QUARK: (Still disturbed) He’s her boyfriend.

DUKAT: I know. (Smiles charmingly at the camera)

WEYOUN: (Buzzes in) Who is Kukalaka?

QUARK: Isn’t that Dr. Bashir’s teddy bear? Who’s the monkey?

WEYOUN: Isn’t it obvious? (Copies Dukat’s charming smile, but it only looks creepy)

MOLLY: My daddy wouldn’t like to hear you call Uncle Julian a monkey!

WEYOUN: (Death glare) I don’t care, little girl.

(TAL SHIAR COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND CARRY AWAY ALL THE CONTESTANTS AND AUDIENCE… AND QUARK)

RALPH: Well, I guess that’s all, folks! See you again for more JEOPARDY!

(Commercial for Depends underwear plays)


Author's Note: So, what did you guys think of this crap? I wrote it at twelve this morning, so I was tired. Hence why the humor makes no sense and it's in script format. I admit it; I'm lazy :P.

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Dani